You're gonna be bothered by how cool I am.

*Catches breath * Well, I’m back from Harry Knowles’ 5th annual cinematic gangbang, Butt-Numb-A-Thon (for anal studio reasons, we are forbidden to refer to this year’s event as a “festival.”) It was a banner year again this year and, though there were fewer films that I would seriously consider adding to my personal collection, there were no less than seven premieres (though for anal studio reasons, they aren’t to be called such), and two HUGE take-your-breath-away moments.

I’m going to do two versions of my account of BNAT. This will be the short version – just basically a list of what we saw. As there were no “secret” films this year, I can speak freely about all of them The next entry will be more information than you probably ever wanted to know about this event. So, without further ado, here’s this year’s lineup:

1)Haunted Gold (24-year old John Wayne in his first “cowboy hero” role)
2)Return of Captain Marvel (but only part of it)
3)Return of the King (*sigh* *sobs hysterically at its wonderfulness*), with special guests (if you want to know who, you'll have to look at the long version).
4)The General (classic Buster Keaton – with a live band supplying the soundtrack)
5)Old Boy (South Korean film by maker of Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance)
6)Nid de guepes (French homage to Assault on Precinct 13; sort of a zombie flick without the zombies)
7)Ginger Snaps 2 (teen werewolf movie; reference to Monkshood/Wolfsbane)
8)Haute Tension (French slasher film; GRRRRREAT PLOT TWIST)
9)Teenage Mother (1950s exploitation; witness scary “Miracle of Life” segment)
10)Undead (hiLARious zombie action movie)
11)The Passion of the Christ, with special guest (see long version to find out who it is)

Also a short vampire slayer film called “Blind”; trailers included STUNT ROCK (I must see this movie!), a minute to pray…a second to die, Hellboy, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and a replay of last year’s favorite - the trailer for The Green Slime (excellent theme song).

I think all fans of Jack the Monkey (that means you, gaidin_prime would have howled at the trailer for Mad Monkey Kung Fu, and I think my personal fave was the trailer for The Bodyguard with Sonny Chiba (which had us all chanting "Chiba! Chiba! Chiba!").