You're gonna be bothered by how cool I am.

Okay, here’s the long version. Expect to be spoiled on ROTK and The Passion (and the others, if you care about them).

I got downtown way too early and skulked around for a bit before hitting the seating line (which was already backed halfway up the sidewalk between 4th and 5th) at 10:45. I had forgone the pleasure of viewing Sexy Elf Boy on Leno Friday night in favor of a good night’s rest. The things I do for BNAT. At about 11:20 we were informed that not only were we not to bring cameras of any sort into the theater (most of us were already aware of this), but we were also forbidden to bring laptops and CELL PHONES. Standing there with my backpack which carried my in-case-of-emergency cell phone and my car parked 5 miles away at the hotel, I appealed to the kindness of my fellow squatters. Thanks to the thoughtfulness of brother-and-sister duo Bill and Peggy, I procured a safe haven for my phone. Of course, once Bill’s wife had picked up our phones and gone back to their hotel, someone came out and said that they decided it would be okay for people to bring phones in if they had nowhere to put them. But our phones, whether we liked it or not, were not to be seen until noon the next day.

We go inside and, as usual, there is stuff already playing on the screen. This year it’s Dean Martin footage. When I sat down (having been mysteriously seated in front of Harry yet again), Dino was singing "Houston." Of course, I only got to sit down once I had had my bag checked and had undergone the full cavity search (J/K - they did have those wand thingies, though). The Kroger sack of swag was a good bit heavier this year, but – alas! – no Penguins caffeinated mints and no Starbucks Doubleshot. I immediately became concerned with my ability to stay awake without the traditional uppers. But there was a buttload of other stuff - two t-shirts (not counting the official BNAT shirt, which we all got later), the yearbook with everyone's pictures in it, a Kill Bill promotional keychain that had the words "Pu**y Wagon" on it, and all kinds of stickers, promo books, and other assorted goodies.

We didn’t have to wait too long this year before things got started. We were told the basic rules and Harry launched into his intro to our first film, which supposedly was the inspiration for the film that he is working on producing this year. Our first film was Haunted Gold (1932), starring a very young John Wayne in what I believe is his first cowboy role. They actually had to use stock footage of a stunt rider for shots of him riding a horse. As should be expected with a film that old, the naivetee of the film drew quite a few laughs. Example: John Wayne meets the woman who will obviously be his love interest, and she says to him "I hope we can be as close as our fathers were," spawning much laughter at the implied "closeness" of two men. The thing that’s most laughable, though, is the reminder of just what humiliation black actors were often forced to take part in for an acting job. Clarence is comic relief and the receptor of obligatory 1930s racism. Lines addressed in Clarence’s general direction, like "He ain’t no phantom with that watermelon accent" are unfortunately aplenty in this film. In addition, the villains show a certain Dr. Evil-esque faith in their ability to contain their hostages. Honestly, they tie the good guys up once, they get away, they tie them up again and leave them alone, saying "they can’t get away" (but they did the first time you tied them up!). Nonetheless, it was quite an enjoyable film, if for nothing else than to see John Wayne throw a girlie fop punch.

Next we were to see a serial entitled Return of Captain Marvel (87 points if you can guess why this was chosen as a lead-in to the 3rd film). It was amusing enough. Seeing skinny, virginal Billy say "Shazaam!" and suddenly become a superhero was quite a trip, but about an hour into our viewing , the film appeared to break. I heard several "uh-oh"s from the audience, and then . . .

The New Line logo . . . that familiar Celtic title font . . . A New Line release . . . A Wingnut Production . . . LORD OF THE RINGS! RWAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH! The house was a-rockin’ at this point. We had expected Return of the King, naturally, but we had expected it much later – like, at the end. So, what can you guys expect in a week and a half? SPOILER ALERT (if you wish to remain unspoilt, please scroll down to the next paragraph):
* The intro with the story of the treachery of Smeagol is wonderful. It’s great to finally get to see Andy Serkis actually on film in this character.
* Shelob sequence (Oh. My. God.) This got some of the loudest audience response of the night, for any film. Sam Gamgee is indeed Da Hobbitt. And Shelob is quite terrifying. The screenwriters also added some tension in this sequence by having Gollum plant distrust of Sam in Frodo’s ear.
* Orlando opens a can of whupa** on an oliphaunt and it’s riders (keeping track of his death count as he goes). A word of advice . . . when you see the film, don’t scream too long when the oliphaunt finally falls or you’ll miss a pithy remark by Gimli (as some of us did.
* Speaking of Gimli, he has another great line in this movie, when (I think) they’re about to depart for the Paths of the Dead ("certain death . . . small chance of success . . . what are we waiting for?")
* Aragorn saying "For Frodo," before they charge toward the Black Gate, will wrench tears from your eyes.
* Eowyn whups up on the Witch King (uttering the immortal words "I am no man!")
* Gandalf has some almost samurai-quality staff and sword work in the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.
* This one is for angua9: Pippin finds the palantir in the water surrounding Orthanc and yes, he does look into it (great work by Boyd in this scene – he has a sort of wrestling match with the palantir and then we get his account of what he saw)
* Line of dialogue to get the biggest audience response: Sam – "I can’t carry your burden. But I can carry you." (*sobs hysterically at the mere memory of it*)
* The Faramir/Eowyn love story has been completely gutted (until the EE comes out) - they stand next to each other at the end, but that's all; I rather like how the Aragorn/Eowyn thing is resolved, before he leaves for the Paths of the Dead; big moment (sorry, Dee) when Arwen is brought to Aragorn, and Viggo gives Liv some major tongue
* I probably cried the hardest at the coronation ceremony, when the hobbits bow to the new king and he tells them "My friends. You bow to no one." Then the entire court kneels in their honor (*starts crying again*)
* Another rumor that had bothered some fans: the notion that Sauron crushes the Evenstar and that’s why Arwen can’t sail to the Grey Havens, and that this is somehow part of what drives Aragorn to fight Sauron. That is nowhere in the film (unless I blinked and missed it). There’s a vision of it falling and smashing on the ground, but it’s part of Elrond’s whole “Arwen is dying” (meaning merely that she has given up her immortality). And there is nothing about what Aragorn does in battle that is not primarily concerned with assisting Frodo
* All you Sam/Rosie fans will get a treat towards the end, and in the final, closing scene. (laughs maniacally as you all wrestle with what I literally mean by "final, closing scene" - MUAHAHAHAHA!)

Okay, as if that wasn’t enough, it got even better. Because Peter FREAXIN Jackson, Phillipa Boyen, and Fran Walsh were there to answer questions and hang out for a bit before they caught a flight to Berlin. Harry cried like a girl when he introduced them. Some highlights of the Q&A: in response to why Tom Bombadill was cut, Jackson jokingly responded "because Tom Bombadill fans are boring."; Harry once asked Jackson – back when it was going to be two movies – what about making it three movies, and Jackson supposedly asked if he thought there was really enough material to make three movies; and Jackson has no specific plans for what to do after King Kong (as much as he might like to do The Hobbitt, New Line has never approached him about doing it at all); OH, and Ian McKellan is lobbying to play Kong. I just thought it was immensely cool that I actually stood like a foot and a half away from Peter Jackson, who was wearing his traditional puffy jacket and shorts.

Next, Harry gave a sort of gift to Jackson – a thank you for giving us these wonderful movies. He procured an archival print of Buster Keaton’s The General, and had a live band supplying the soundtrack (complete with guitar, drums, banjo, and saw). This movie is just brilliant. Tim League, who owns the Drafthouse and introduced this film, said that a lot of us might look down our noses at silent film, since we’ve come such a long way since the 20s. He added that if anyone still thought that after seeing this film, they should just get the **** out and not come back. Naturally, this got a round of applause.

Our next film was the reason we weren’t supposed to call BNAT a "festival." And, while this year there were no secret films, this one we weren’t supposed to say anything about until today, when Harvey Weinstein will be seeing it for the first time (hehe, sloppy seconds, Harvey) and will be deciding if he wants Miramax to distribute it in the US. It is also supposed to premiere at Cannes in May, and if word got out that it played at a "festival" in December, it would get screwed out of eligibility at Cannes. This was a South Korean film called Old Boy, and was the beginning of films that I saw maybe three quarters of, due to nodding off. What I saw, however, was quite powerful. There’s a plot twist of the "Luke, I am your father" magnitude, which sets everything in perspective. But man, this film is emotionally draining.

Next was Nid de guepes, which I missed a good bit of as well. It’s a French action movie, and that’s about all I can remember, except that one of the actors is a man whom I have thought to be the most gorgeous man on the planet for a couple of years now . . . Benoit Magimel. Mmmmmm. Juliette Binoche is one lucky lady.

The next feature was a werewolf flick called Ginger Snaps 2, whose predecessor was a straight-to-video that apparently didn’t deserve to be. This was pretty cool, except you almost never see the wolf. I did get a chuckle out of the frequent references to Monkshood and Wolfsbane. And there’s a little girl in this who wins the Most Annoying Child Actor in History award. And, of course, every guy in the room cheered at the group masturbation scene (stupid boys).

Film number 8 was another French film – this time a slasher – called Haute Tension (Switchblade Romance is the English title, though that's obviously not a translation of the French title). Oh. My. God. This is a great movie. Well, maybe not great, but certainly very good, especially compared to the crappy horror that gets made in the US these days. It starts out like a simple stalker story, but there’s a big mamma jamma twist that colors the whole movie in a different light. It was the only scary flick of the night that had a lot of good audience response – people jumping and groaning and squirming in all the right places. Haute Tension was this year’s Night Warning (if that means anything to any of you).

Teenage Mother was to be the “torture film” of the evening (or rather morning, at that point). It was a 1950s exploitation film that plays a lot like an educational film. A much younger Fred Willard is in this as a gym coach. The whole story is about a woman from Sweden (snerk) who comes to a Middle America high school to start a sex education program, and she has to fight the parents who think that sex is evil. There’s some pretty groovy music in it, but the torture part comes when the teacher is forced to show the parents part of a film she planned to show her students at the end of the term. This is one of those "Miracle of Life" films, and unfortunately the audience has to suffer through it just like the characters in the movie. This is a movie made in a time when forceps were considered a "new" device. *shudders*

After watching the miracle of life – whether we wanted to or not – it was time for breakfast (how fitting). After that, we sat down for the penultimate film . . . Undead. It’s a zombie flick from New Zealand. It’s hilarious. And there’s a guy with an endless supply of hiding places for guns. You’d swear he used his last bullets, then just at the opportune moment, he’d pull a pair of pistols out of goodness-knows-where.

Next we were forced to go out into the lobby while they did some technical stuff for the last film. Harry had said he looked forward more than anything else to the privilege of announcing this last title. I wondered how he was going to top the excitement of Return of the King, but he said when that one was over that that would not be the emotional high point of the event. A lot of people assumed the finale would be Kill Bill, vol. 2, but while I knew Harry to be an avid Tarantino fan, I had a hard time believing that the conclusion of Kill Bill would be an emotional high to top ROTK. And I was right.

We sat back down in our seats, and Harry began his schpiel. He says there’s always one film that he puts on his BNAT wish list that he knows he’s not going to get. But this year he underestimated himself. He kept saying how amazed he was that we got this film, and at this point I’m thinking "okay, it can’t be Kill Bill." He announced that our last film would be Mel Gibson’s latest project, The Passion of the Christ. I literally took a huge gasp of air. We were to be the first non-religious, non-political, real moviegoing audience to see this film, and to top it all off, MEL GIBSON himself was coming to talk with us about it.

What can I say about The Passion of the Christ? I’m still trying to process it. I do believe that it’s one of the greatest cinematic achievements in the last 10 years. We were shocked to find out that the movie wasn’t finished – it certainly looks finished. This was the most incredible moment of the whole event. I couldn’t believe the audience response – considering the, errrr, variety of personalities who hold tickets to BNAT. We had seen a lot of violent movies (all leading up to this one, which if I'm not mistaken is the bloodiest portrayal of the crucifixion ever put on film), and Harry had planned it this way all along just to get the contrast in response. In all the other movies, violence was often laughed at and occasionally cheered for. Not this time. If you had turned the sound off at any point during The Passion, you could have heard a pin drop in that room. There was no audible response whatsoever, apart from some outright sobbing, an occasional gasp and a scatter of audible winces (most of these during the scourging scene and the actual crucifixion). Where we had for the most part clapped, roared, whooped and hollered at the end of the other films, this film got very loud clapping, but no vocal embellishments, and most people stood. When Mel came in, everyone stood and cheered.

About the film itself, there is a really strong feminist element to the film, in the presence of Mary, Mary Magdalene and Pilate’s wife Claudia. The women are the ones who have the strength to stand up. The Aramaic and Latin dialogue adds a real sense of authenticity to the film. The cinematography is absolutely gorgeous, as well as the lighting. Mel told us he was greatly inspired by the Caravaggio paintings when designing the look of the film. One of the things I saw in the trailer that I thought I would have a problem with turned out to be one of the best elements. The lady Satan character. She appears a few times in the film – in Gethsemane to represent Jesus’s doubt and temptation (complete with a snake to echo the original temptation), at Judas’ betrayal to represent despair (and where we see a mob of children chasing and taunting Judas), and at Jesus’s scourging (carrying what looks like a baby, until it turns its head and we see the face of a much older man) to represent the mockery and corruption of something pure and good.

I particularly liked the use of flashbacks in the film. It's technically concerned with the last few hours of Jesus' life, but there are several flashbacks that mirror (visually and thematically) the scenes from the present. For example, when Pilate is washing his hands we get a flashback to Jesus and the disciples washing their hands at the Last Supper. My favorite of these was a flashback that was intercut into the "carrying the cross" scene. There are several times in the almost 30 minute sequence where Jesus falls with the cross, but in one of them, we get a flashback to when he was a small child. He has fallen and appears to be somewhat hurt, and Mary runs up to him, touches his face and calms him, saying "I'm here." After one of Jesus' falls with the cross, Mary is able to make her way to kneel beside him and say to him once more "I'm here." The use of flashbacks really drives home the idea that everything in Jesus' life was leading up to these last hours and the sacrifice He made on the cross.

And I am SO glad that they ended the film with the resurrection. Not a long scene, but just enough to say "that's not the end."

After all that, I was spent. I retrieved my phone from the kind strangers who kept it for me, grabbed my share of posters (including a small ROTK poster signed by Peter Jackson) and I made my way back to the hotel, trying to compose this post on the way. I don’t know if I’ll get to go to another BNAT, but if this was to be my last one, that's okay. I’m still pinching myself that I met Peter Jackson and Mel Gibson all in one day.

Oh, and this year the numbness of my rear was even more severe, since for some reason I got stuck sitting in a stacking chair instead of a comfy fold-down theater chair.