You're gonna be bothered by how cool I am.

So, what's the real dish on Butt-Numb-A-Thon 6?

Around 9:30 on Saturday, I found a parking spot that was amazingly close to the Alamo Drafthouse and made my way to the seating line that ran down Colorado Street. Now, usually when gathering with a crowd of strangers I tend to keep to myself. This keeps me from having embarrassing and awkward moments, but it is also quite boring. This year's waiting line, however, proved to be highly enjoyable. There seemed to be a small contingency from Tennessee at the Alamo - there was Daniel from Knoxville (a UT student, IIRC, but I'll forgive him), Jennifer from Chattanooga, and Nick and myself from Nashville. What a pleasant coincidence that we all happened to be so close together in the line! We exchanged travel stories and weather stories, and since I was the only non-BNAT-virgin of the four of us, I shared my past experiences with my state-mates. There was much talk of what films would be playing, and I shared my heartfelt opinion that it's really the old and obscure movies that make BNAT so special, not the premieres.

As we got closer to the door, I noticed that the Drafthouse had opened a little t-shirt shop in the small space that made up the ground floor. I couldn't help grinning when I spotted a Jem t-shirt in the window. *is nerd* It took a while to go through the check-in process, due to the officious, but necessary bag check (the first of three that we would be subjected to over the next 24 hours). Security is very tight at BNAT and they don't take any chances when it comes to piracy. But once I checked in I discovered that my lame-ass begging had worked, and that Harry had given me my traditional seat - the end of row 10 (which is four seating rows back from the screen). This is, IMO, the perfect spot, both for viewing and for eavesdropping.

Once I got seated, I started to go through the traditional bag of BNAT plunder. It's a good thing I needed roughly a fiat of black t-shirts, because there were like twenty (with various movie logos on them) inside the bag o'swag. But there were other cool little items as well - School of Rock note pads and shot glasses, and some pretty weird stuff from Seed of Chucky, actually. And of course there was the now traditional BNAT Yearbook. I really should have gotten some autographs - particularly from the TN folks - but I didn't think about it.

As always, there was stuff playing on the screen while everyone was getting seated - Wonder Woman, vintage Superman, a martial arts clip with the most convoluted fight choreography I have EVER seen, a clip circa 1983 of a hilarious dancing couple, and commercials for Action Jackson (for every action, there is a Jackson) and action figures called - wait for it - Ding-a-Lings (the announcer wouldn't stop saying things like "Ding-a-Ling world" and "King Ding"...I nearly died before the first movie even started).

So, noon came and Harry Knowles made his way to the stage to do the obligatory introduction speech and announce our first film. He began with the observation that he had pretty much screwed up BNAT forever by making last year so friggin' cool, and he stated that this year was going to be much "softer" (not difficult, after the hard-core violence of several of last year's films) and that the lineup was the most "Harry" of all the BNATs. Looking back, now that I know what all the selections were, that makes me love Knowles (platonically, of course) even more. He said our first movie was supposed to get us into the childhood wonder state. After the red-band trailer for Slumber Party Massacre, the kickass "STUNT RAWKER!" trailer, and some weird clip for something called "Putney Swope" where a couple sings about beaver flashes and acne medication that renders pimples "out of this world", it was time for the first flick...

Willie McBean and His Magic Machine (1965)
Remember the classic claymation feature Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? That was the brainchild of a couple of geniuses named Rankin and Bass, but their first foray into claymation features was the wildly trippy Willie McBean and His Magic Machine - a story of an evil professor who wants to go back in time and change history so that he can get credit for the great accomplishments of the world. Professor Rasputin von Rotten, armed with the greatest evil giggle EVA, has been deserted by his ridiculously stereotypical Mexican monkey sidekick (Pablo, the Great Latin Lover). I don't know what it is with the first feature of BNAT and crazy racial stereotypes, but it's become a tradition, I guess. Pablo enlists the help of Willie, an abnormally smart young boy who loves science but hates history. Willie offers another sterling example of the film's racial insensitivity when he says that if Columbus had not discovered America all that would be here is "trees and a few teepees". Willie's whole reason for building his own time machine to try and stop Professor von Rotten is so that he won't have to relearn history. Never mind that it would actually make things simpler by giving him only one name to learn. Even that is apparently too much. But perhaps the best part of the movie is that it's a musical. I wish I could find "We're Knights of the Round Table, Not Square" on iTunes or something. Such genius lyrics as "I'm Lancelot; I dance a lot" are rarely to be heard. But perhaps my favorite moment in the film is during a "Western" sequence when Von Rotten and Willie drink a toast to their "dear mother"s before drinking a toast to rottenness and evil plans. Can we institute that in our evil minion meetings? Oh, and we got some serious slash vibes from Von Rotten and a caveman named Zuglug.

Next, we had our first premiere of the day, but before that we had some special guests, Emily Browning (who turned out to be Australian) and Liam Aiken, a.k.a. Violet and Klaus Baudelaire, who gave us a quick Q&A before we saw...

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Okay, I don't want to get too spoilery, but I will say that as a movie it is quite good. Jim Carrey, whose over-the-topness is usually a downside to his movies, actually fits quite well here. However, I suspect that rabid fans of the books will have some issues. I, for one, was disappointed to see a non-bespectacled Klaus and a Sunny that can walk before the events of book 7. And, as good as he is, there is just too much Jim Carrey. There's also some rearranging that was done in terms of plot, and I was enraged for much of the movie at the apparent skipping of the Olaf/Violet marriage plot (until it turned out they moved it to the end). Another thing that bugged me was that they went ahead and threw in some hints at future developments - like the fact that there were multiple fires and (grrrrr!) that a certain person specifically started the fire that killed the Baudelaire parents. Oh well, I guess they have to do that somewhat. But it's like they're afraid they won't be making any sequels, so they're trying to cram stuff in that doesn't belong. Watch for the opening sequence, though. *DIES* It was strangely appropriate that this film followed Willie McBean. There's a pretty cool closing credits sequence, too. And, as is true with the books, Sunny is Da Man.

I was a bit put out, though, during the Q&A with the actors, that Moriarty (a.k.a. Drew McWeeny) let his dissatisfaction with the Harry Potter books show. I mean, clearly he was sort of trying to kiss up to the Lemony Snicket people, but he didn't have to bring Harry Potter up at all. *grumbles* After Lemony Snicket came...

The Black Swan (1942)
This movie is just too cool and beautiful, and I think it's my favorite of the eleven films we saw. It's a pirate movie, so before it started we had some pirate trailers - The Pirate Movie (*loves that audience seemed to be fond of this as it's my favorite cheesy movie ever*), Blackbeard's Ghost, and Yellowbeard. And then we got some lovely Tyrone Power goodness (yummmmm). Also in the film were Maureen O'Hara, Anthony Quinn, George Sanders (who is totally unrecognizable), and Thomas Mitchell (who will always be Gerald O'Hara to me). This film inspired one of the cheesiest audience reaction lines ever ("What's this movie rated?" "Arrrrrr!") The romance plot in this film is AWESOME! I got a sick sense of pleasure imagining the how the you-know-whos would react to Margaret slapping and biting Jamie and Jamie kidnapping and carelessly throwing Margaret ("But Ingram totally RESPECTS her more!!!!"). And - whaddya know? - they manage to end up together in the end. The movie rules, though, and there is a particularly exquisite sword fight at the end between Jamie and Captain Leech. Also, the character of Captain Morgan features pretty prominently. A lot of people seemed to find this funny. :P Harry told an interesting story, too, about the filming, which took place during WW2. Apparently, in order to conserve film, directors had to limit their footage to first takes. This made it really interesting (for me) to watch the performances. This was just a great movie, and it's going on my to-buy list for sure.

Favorite lines from The Black Swan where our swashbuckling hero makes "Abusive" Ron look like a total prince (and is a total turn-on in the process)...
I always sample a bottle of wine before I buy it. Let's have a sip, see if you're worth taking along.
and...
In Tortuga when a woman slaps a man's face, it means she wants him to grab her, over-power her, and smother her with kisses. I understand in Jamaica a gentleman must refuse such overtures.

*LOVES*

Next we had something really special. One of the producers from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie (ETA: this was Robbie Stamp, for those who care) came and showed us some production art from the film. Very, very cool. I have yet to read the books, so I can't really speak properly about what we saw, but when I read the book (which I am determined will be soon) I will probably do another post, because what little we saw was simply extraordinary.

Blonde Venus (1932)
This was apparently considered "the best film ever made" before Citizen Kane came along and claimed that title forever. It stars Marlene Dietrich as a former nightclub singer-turned-wife-and-mother who goes back to her night job to help her husband get medical attention. It is so sad. It reminded me a bit of Vanity Fair, actually. Cary Grant is in the movie as well, and it was odd to see him in a non-leading role. Not to mention seeing him not get the girl.

At this point I decided to take a trip to the bathroom, and was amused to observe the rare occasion of the line to the men's room being longer than the line to the ladies' room. I came back to my seat to find some 3-D glasses waiting for me, which were for the proper enjoyment of our next film...

Miss Sadie Thompson (1953)
First of all, I hate wearing those paper 3-D glasses. Second of all - and I say this as a total heterosexual - Rita Hayworth is just hot. Thirdly, I love this film's examination of redemption. My favorite part came when the minister's wife was saying that "women like Miss Thompson" (i.e., shady ladies) made the reverend uncomfortable. To this, the reverend's colleague retorts "The leader of our religion was less squeamish." BAM!

I was quite thankful to remove the paper glasses, but the next thing that happened was less pleasant. Despite the fact that the BNAT audience is probably the most trustworthy group of people when it comes to things like anti-piracy, we were promptly shipped outside to the sidewalk for another security check before the next movie started. Thankful for the close parking spot I had acquired, I took the opportunity to stow my swag bag in my car, so that I'd have one less bag to get checked. We were outside for roughly an hour, fighting against the pedestrian traffic going in and out of the clubs on Saturday night. Before going in, we started hearing rumors about a certain Joel Shumacer film playing next, and when we finally sat down again, our fears were realized when we began watching...

Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Let me start off by saying that I was really looking forward to seeing this. I was sort of ambivalent about the stage musical, but I really loved the songs, and "Music of the Night" is my favorite song from a musical ever. But for the first time, I was disappointed at having to see a movie with that particular audience. I guess the good thing was that instead of getting so wrapped up in the music and romance that I forgot about the flaws, watching it with the BNAT audience made it painfully obvious that many parts of the movie simply did not work. It wasn't the fact that it was a musical that made it a flop. Chicago obviously played quite well to this audience two years ago. But unlike Chicago, Phantom seemed to rest on the laurels of the stage play and didn't try to make it fit the medium of film better. But I'm not sure there is a way it could have worked. It seems to be exclusively suited for the stage and the stage alone. And I have to confess, the dancing (particularly during "Point of No Return") looked inescapably ... gay. And Gerard Butler - gah! I can't tell if he was just trying to sound like Michael Crawford and failing utterly, or if Shumacer thought he had found someone who sounded like Crawford and was totally mistaken. There was no way that would have played well, anyway, with a crowd for whom Lon Chaney is and always will be THE Phantom of the Opera. I was nonetheless a bit surprised that, given Harry's history, a Shumacer film would have played there at all. The crowd was rather split, in any case. I heard several angry women in the bathroom complaining about the reactions of the menfolk. It was a good segue, however, into...

The Mutations (1973)
This film was introduced by one of its producers, and it was ... meh. I mean, it was cool when stuff was happening, but there were a lot of lulls. I think Donald Pleasance should be required casting for horror movies, though. There's just something so creepily ... English about him. The science was totally WHAX, too. Even assuming that you could interbreed plants with humans, it would take forever for the mutations to develop. Here it took like an hour. I loved that it was an homage to one of the greatest creepy movies ever, Tod Browning's Freaks. But it was RONG on a lot of levels - some of them "good RONG", some of them "bad RONG."

Next was a pick from Tim League, owner of the Drafthouse and all-around cool guy. Despite this coolness, I'm not sure whether I love him or hate him for inflicting this next one on us...

Toys Are Not For Children (1972)
There is but one word to describe this movie ... "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!". If any of you have read a certain fanfic where turning on the lights in, say, the kitchen would have prevented a lot of grief ... let me just say that that fic is "Mary Poppins" compared to this movie. There really wasn't an inordinate amount of sex and nudity in the movie, but when your heroine is having sexual fantasies about her father and looks at prostitution as a lifestyle to be proud of, you've entered a whole 'nother world of ewwwww. There's good ewww and bad ewww, of course, and I still can't decide which of those this one is.

Layer Cake (2004)
Very cool British gangster movie starring Daniel Craig (who played Paul Newman's son in Road to Perdition and is a lot sexier than I remembered). Michael Gambon plays a drug lord, and it's odd to hear Dumbledore dropping f-bombs. The movie has a very dark sense of humor, and the ending is priceless. Good creative violence and some pretty cool twists. At the end of the movie we had a Q&A with one of the film's stars, Tamer Hassan. After that, it was time for us all to have the forklift load of vacuum-packed whupass unleashed on us, bearing the name of...

Ong-Bak (2003)
As I said in the short version, this is quite possibly the best action movie ever made. It's a very primal man-to-man action that just starts beating the crap out of you and won't let go. This is like Fight Club on speed. It was the highlight of the event for most of the audience, and it certainly got the most reaction (and was the only movie where any section of the audience stood up and clapped at the end). The stunts in this film were all done the old-fashioned way - no CGI, no wires, no cheats of any kind. There's a street chase that is simply breathtaking. There's a scene with a saw that is absolute torture. And each blow the hero delivers is so awesome, the movie basically says "That was so good, you need to see it again. And again. And again." So a lot of the kicking and hitting shots are repeated two or three times, from different angles or closer distances. One of the funnier audience moments came when, after a particularly brutal fight, someone in the front scoffed ... "[laughing] Andrew Lloyd Weber". If there were an Oscar for ass-kicking, Tony Jaa would win hands-down. Wow. Just ... wow.

So, how was Harry going to top Ong-Bak? Well, he didn't really, but after the third security check, we finished off with an incredibly fun movie called...

Kung Fu Hustle (2004)
I don't really know how to describe it. It's a Chinese film, and it's not technically a parody, but there are several obvious references to The Shining, The Matrix, and several other movies. When the hero is walking down a corridor and the far wall opens to spill out gallons and gallons of blood, the audience cheered, without even needing to acknowledge that it was a reference. Man, I love BNATers. I loved the fact that the Kung Fu masters were ordinary middle-aged schmoes. The little romance was quite sweet. And the opening fight sequence is almost a musical number - complete with dancing. It's just a fun film, and it ended our event on a high note.

Well, I hope very much to get to go next year. Knowles said he's already booked two of the movies, and I'd bet money that one of them is King Kong. Overall, this year reminded me a lot of my first BNAT, where the classics were just as much a part of the excitement as the premieres. It's more equilateral that way, I think, and more representative of film in general. Ah well, I've gone on long enough about this so I'll shut up now. Suffice it to say that BNAT is still pretty much the highlight of my year. Love the movies we see, and love the audience I see it with. Good times, good times.